Am i Back? Was i gone?

More than 3 years since my last post. Hmm. If this doesn't alarm you, maybe this would put it in perspective: If i had kids in 2008, they would be a sixth of an adult by now. Shouldn't really call myself an avid or infrequent or even a seldom blogger lest i count reading music reviews, browsing E! turned blog sites, flimsy articles or one of those once a blue moon trending blogs... Open letter to a Delhi Boy being the last. All the while, never commenting or letting my feelings known about what i just read.

Well, some things have kept me back from writing all this time. I don't know if this would too end in a pleasant fashion or suffer an abrupt end, because not this time am i going to write a little bit and delete it. Whatever i type today, WILL be saved and posted. What forced me to take this step? Honestly, at this time i better be studying, which perhaps ought to be only second most important to me after breathing. Oh sorry, eating. I hardly manage breathing anyway, what with allergy inflicted throat and nose, sneezing my ass and phlegm out every morning. More on that later, another complete blog post perhaps. You never let go of a fascinatingly interesting topic for writing, innit?

So, I'm hoping this is one of these life-changing getting back on (or off) track returns.. :

"Na, I don't dance.

Neah, I can't dance to save my life.

I never dance even when I'm alone.

*LOT of alcohol later*

Pitbull's your superhero and there's nothing doing if you haven't danced on the club table, making sounds which you think are words from the song, but are actually just blabbing sounds made by demented, sometimes dumb people, once in a while shouting it's only 1, even though you've said the same thing over a span of 3 hours starting 2 am.

Happy writing, Prateek. Amen.

WHAT IF...


1. Pratibha Patil was dead..
Ans : not to worry.. she'd still have been sworn in.

2. There was no orkut.
Ans : probably u wont be reading this. :P

3. Reliance never entered Telecom.
Ans : i'd still be paying my whole pocket money for 1 one phone call. that too incoming.

4. Britney hadnt left Justin.
Ans : there'll be litl justin's taking classes from himesh.

5. there was no reshammiya
Ans : watever i say, he's the public choice. if he wasnt there, the Dance floors'd go empty.

6. Rakhi Sawant had died during her surgery.
Ans : we'd all been blessed n saved of her embarassing shit.

7. Bryan Adams was an indian
Ans : we'd be getting lounge, quawaali, n javed akhtar versions of "everything i do..."

8. There was no botox.
Ans : Simi garewal would be like kneaded aata.

9. Rowling never wrote.
Ans : I wont be writing. EVER.

10. Shilpa shetty had said no to Big brother.
Ans : her freakin sister would be married off to a driver. and shilpa, well, she'll still be dancing to "UP bihar lutne" at political parties.. where else.. in UP bihar.

11. ASH was not fake
Ans : she'd still be unmarried.. maybe havin a career in hollywood. and definitiely itno sm1 better than AB. what the-?

12. There never was a KBC
Ans : i'd still be watching Talaaq kyuun on DD.

13. FREINDS was never made.
Ans : wud never have gotten into watchin sitcoms n others. n never would have been compared to chandler. :P

14. Lalu was our education minister.
Ans : pass percentage would not be a valid word. IITs would offer courses to make gobar uupleigh! and like kulhar scheme, we'll all be deriving poynting theorem on a slate!

15. this is personal. i never got 96% in class 10.
Ans : nthin. still be here. :P

Madhur Mr. Out...

this overtly expressive and over-enthu in doing everything the english way, was a sample teacher we had in our third Semester.. took Data structures.. boy, he'd have had a sad life in school. AND college. his way of walking, talking, standing, speaking, writing, looking at people, or just plain living his life was sad humor.

here's a whole list of his blunders in spoken english. i proudly call 'em Madhurisms...

as heard prononciations given in brackets...

:: How to insert out the (thee) element?? insert OUT? y insert at all?

:: Behave like an engineers... oh, im a whole bunch, am i??

:: if the element is not been finding in list.. y just plain y??

:: u should have to complete the things

:: Its not practically possibles... he was just impossibleS

:: i dont thinks so its an practical [tyin to say he thinks its nt practical]

:: answer your roll [RAWL] calls yes , Sawr :O

:: major measures [mazor meazures] , languaze he was a zoker!!!

:: languaze / alternative [utternative]

:: how many ankit gupta is there?? i dont knw.. maybe a whole group of over 1 ankit

:: Ur just deleting out the one node got the it, the sir..

::why you need out the two pointers?? :(

:: Now i have to start with the stacks things. i never got the stacks thinggs.

:: agar aapne divisions kara bhi hai.. to hame divisions samajh nahi aaya.

:: Every students cant perform out oh alrite, they'll perform in their bedrooms!! ;)

aap puzzles ho jaate hain... oh yea.. main puzzles hu!! Solve me!!



Mr. out dole-outs ::::

Madhur theory was formulated by the geeky gay Madhur. his theory stated that
" the word out could be used incessantly with almost any possible word in the english dictionary. to probably emphasize on the word. :O"

like so:-

study out
delete out.
insert out.
come out. [when askin a kid to come in actually]
rub out the board.
read out the book.
write out the algorithm.
say out.
assign out.
add out
subtract out.
attend out.

:O

he left OUT our college for good OUT.
may his soul rest out in peace.

peace out. V out. oh my god out, i got out it too!

get out it off!!

gerroff out me!

OUT!

AAPKE TAARE.... ahan, seriously??

nothing bugs me more nowdays than the overtly obnoxious horoscope programmes ( if its legal to call them that)..

drowsy dickheads and heavy-on-kohl n short-on-cloth-for-sleeves bitches pop up on EVERY goddamn channel.. n start predicting your deaths... n then console u by tellin the next sun sign's nt faring better either. m waiting to see what worse than death.

apart from sudden n totally unexpected popouts... here are some common events n dates that trigger them outta their shitty hibernation.. onto our TV sets.. in weird costumes n weird names..

1. Solar eclipse : : if free will ruled, they'll send a guy up there to block the sun with his bottoms every secnd day. solar eclipse's like the Numero uno in pop-out reasons...

2. Lunar eclipse : : duh.. wat else.. bloody i've had fights with my closed ones during one of these. the guy even had the literate capability to link up a moon's eclipse to a guy's wife running away...
yeaaaa... bless the moon's light, she saw his face ever more clearly!! was a bat, so couildnt open her eyes in the morning...

3. Any festival. oh man, wats pongal or bhai dhuj got to do with horoscope??

4. Any celebrity death/ wedding/divorce :: they'll pull out their charts to even predict how rakhi sawant's next stage show ( or mujraa) gonna be viable comercially! u dnt need horoscopes for her.. sentence her to death. or atleast forced eviction from our sights.

5. Any national holiday :: loser TV channels havent got anythin more interesting, so, y nt just pop out some 1 from the im-a-loony-here-to-make-u-a-moony community!

6. Days with not much unusual activity : : well, who likes boredom!! during this time.. these programms double up as comedy showS!! AAj tak banne chala Star world!!

7. rained heavily / or didnt.

8. Cow givin milk continuously for three hours.

9. Idols drinking milk!! yea one more of those n i'll sue the insane sheepish indian population for believeing it.

10. Khali loses a match in LA... even after a yagya in ludhiana... OMG!! wat are the chances!! its gotta do summin with his taare!! so, might as well pull out your taare too!!

many more.

the shows being shown are a nonentity on the english news channels. excpet maybe headlines today... [who watches it anyway.. a Jhujaar singh with a thick accent scares every1 wenever his eyebrows vanish into his forehead!]
the channels i hate due to this horoscope torture!!

just four. the rest , like total TV, sahara samany, aaj tak tez, delhi, ibn 7, etc. didnt even care to flip through them.

AAj TAk :: get each n every bitch there to go burn themselves in hell. guys are no bettter.. Prabhu chwala of seedhi baat : u better nt meet Me anywhere!! u speak like a whore on lose!!
WTF!! y nt altogether ban aaj tak!! the lady in the horoscope programs wears makeup like its nt only free.. buh like its gonna make her hide her face in shame..

ZEE NEWS :: itni himmat k they've got nt one, buh two screens... two yogis chanting on a ;live primetime show... mantras no sane person's expected to understand.

STAR NEWS : : well, its a comedy channel. so, everything's forgiven.

INDIA TV : : ahan, seriously???

best and worst advertisements on TV this year

BEST ONES:::

MOTO ROKR..........have been movin my head he same way ever since it aired....the "jung jung jung" part is the best.... PS: it gave me one reason to like AB junior..

the N-series ... good nice ADs ( positively wierd )...from nokia.
Moto Razr 2. slick. sexy. awesome.

orbit white :: the guy's hilarious.....his accent.. his ignorance.. and the situations are even more so..... and the cow's sexy:P hehehhehee!!!

i think this one is from reliance mutual fund :: "AAPKE SAATH AISA NA HOGA, NO NO>>>>" ...where the guy keeps imagining good things happening to him...... one moment his boss sends him off to a holiday, next moment a guy tells him.. this penthouse is yours!!


Happydent AGain... the jingle goes : "tera dil roshan.. tera man roshan to jahaan roshan!! " it was aired arnd a year back.. but resurfaced this yer after winning many prestigious awards.

The Vodafone ::
good to see vodafone carrying forward where hutch left off. The pug was back.. with a bubblier younger n livelier jingle/music...
Vodafone surprises : the one where a man pops outta a closet and tries to scare his wife.. n in the end, she exclaims : "hogaya??!!" sooo funny.

airtel- the one with phrases and random scenes -One raised finger can break a billion hearts , when they showed Sachin being given out...umm..don t remember all of them..they show reolutionaries,boxers etc..)it ends with "express yourself"

The recent Airtel ad.. two kids on diferent sides of the border.. AIRTEL's always sweet.

Madhya pradesh tourism :: ye dekho vo dekho !! geeta aur quraan dekho! such a funny jingle... one you wanna move your neck in a very wierd way for.

Hide and seek :: Hrithik dances well.. isha looks good. period. [maybe aired the year before]

WORST ONES:::
[i seriously feel violated as a TV viewer(and many other ways) everytime any of these come ON AIR]

1. Bingo - wango pungo ileee- s*** man, what an idea!

2. ANd that Laxmi auntie of the female underwear ad, stretching the undies showing looose elastic. i didnt expect that from this lady.

3. What can i say about stupid tata indicom. who on earth uses CDMA. we've seen just soooo much of kajol n tata indicom n they're lacking even the crap quotient now [.. CQ]

4. any ad featuring Ms.Parvati( sakshi tanwar) dressed as herself [bling Factor-100, jhataak make-up : purple eye-shadow, silver lipstick!! , two kilos of sindoor]. and enacting A happy family situation with a rikshaawaala type husband, complete with a berozgaar good-for-nothing devar n nanad and a toothless daada... n totally in-your-face embarassing crappy two kids.


5. PP design estate.. has shweta tiwar aka prerna bajaj-basu-bajaj-basu-wateva [Bling Factor-1000 n the works] dancing to some crappy jingle which goes summin like...
"aisi range laaye PP.. pehle kyu naa aye hai PP... "fuckin tell me who writes thes jingles n who are they written for!! my doodhwaala would give better jingles than this 1...


6. underwear ads. [qualifies as a todally separate category)
all of them.... in one....there's this slutty kamwaali bai type dressed model..askin this male model dressed in just an underwear, sayin "ISSE BHI UTARIYE NA!! " .........i mean, what kind of facial expressions am i supposed to get on ma face when im watchin it wth ma family.......GAWD!
SALMAN KHAN AND SUNNY DEOL.. in these baniyan underwear ads........GET A LIFE, PPL!!...........if you dont get work in movies.. stay the fuckin hell outta my sight. ab to even apna Hrithik's into all of this... thank god he aint stooped that low... pray to god!!
and how can i forget :: "ye to bada toying hai!!" really???? obscene. disgusting.

7. KHAINI CHAINI (i guess this is the name only)....... the tag line is eeeeeeeeu.. but i wont shy away.. it goes: Chain se mazaa lo.. WTF!! lo bhai lo !!

8. Big bazaar :
The jingle : " asha se bhari ummeedein hain!! sapno se bhari jholi!! summin summin... big bazaar! la-la-la big bazaar! "
n the people in the Ad. dont even get me started.. i used to go visit big bazaar once or twice a year... rahi sahi kasar nikaal di iss ad ne.
jingle sung by Kailash kher. my suggestion : bhaisaab, stick to your earthy dfferent voice in movies n albums.. i dont want you anywhere near the small screen [Ads].


Old is Gold ::
i always keep hummin this 1: that nirma ad.
"Doodh si safedi.. nirma se aaye..
rangeen kapda bhi khil khil jaye.. sabki pasand nirma
washing powder nirma...washing powder nirma."
its been played for soooooo many years now.
just funny for its age-factor.

and
"Nirma super"
"Arre lalita ji!!"
lalita ji: do nirma super dijiyega.
"lekin aap to hamesha vo mehnge waala..."
lalita ji : leti thi.. lekin jab wahi qualtiy kam daamo me mile.. to koi ye kyu le.. vo na le??
"maan gaye!!"
lalita ji: kisse?
"aapki paar ki nazar!! aur nirma SUPER! DONO KO!!"

so funny.


n as m typing.. i come across a heart-wrenching news. Ms. Benazir Bhutto assasinated.

Rest in Peace, madame. may your country attain a happy state soon.

Laaga Chikne Pe Daag

starring: Chikna Japani, his cheek and innumerable junior artistes playing different spices...

well, it aint got anythin to do with me becoming a gigolo and earning a living for my family.. so, anybody drawng parallels with the Movie, you may kindly exit right here right now..

This story revolves around a person named Chikna, a resident of Punju-Delhi whose world is turned upside down when he realises he has a daag on him... the daag, which threatens to destroy his whole coming life..
he had come home tired after a hard day's work... his cold was still on unabated.. a wierd reaction to the extremely hot n spicy food he had had for lunch that day. he sat down n didnt know when n how he slept.. woken up by the musical heartwarming sounds of the hammers and drillers next door.. he went to wash his face... took water in his cupped hands.. and splashed it across his face.. the coolness made him forget all the worries he had had all through the day.. the autos, the accidents.. the beggars.. the spicy food.. ppl not replying to his messages.. shahid-kareena fight.. what will happen to stephanie in the next episode of BNB.. the nuclear deal.. he had just soooooo much to worry about.. still, a bit fresh now.. he brought down his hands from his face.. his eyes were closed.. they flickered for a moment in the bright yellow washroom light.. n then horror struck him.. there it was... on his face.. strechted across his left cheek..shaped like a little squirrel poop...
the whole world was collapsing against him.. stars appeared in front of his eyes... it seemed a haunting song was playing in the background..

Laagaa, chikne pe Daag, ChhupaauN Kaise
Laagaa, chikne pe Daag
Chikne pe Daag, Chhupaaun Kaise, Muh dikhaauN Kaise
Laagaa, Chikne pe Daag ...
Aa ... Jaake Baabul Se, Nazare MilaauN Kaise, muh dikhaau Kaise
Laagaa, Chikne Pe Daag ...

he spent his night crying.. and wishing why WHY did he live to see this day.. [or night]...feeling disgusted with himself.. tired of all the crying.. he scratched his daag off his face..and with difficulty..still crying.. . decided that he'd wake up next morning and try to continue as if nothing ever happened... .. so, next morning .. he got up... saw the mirror... n died of shock.. may peace be with him.. AMEN

This write up is dedicated for all the losers out there..who were expectantly reading this for some naice story to pop up...and those who make a big deal out of everyy DAMN thing..
[im one too... so stop shouting at the top of ur voices.. i know u love me.. :P]

India ::: Shining or Bursting at its seams...

We, indians are a happy lot, arent we.
we imbibe the age-old practice of "being an optimist to the hilt" so good, we've almost turned blind.

The country's the rising elephant.. takin over the dragon.. China.. we take pride
: in the number of malls open near our homes,
: in the rising and changing spending patterns of our people
: in the accolades showered on NRIs
: in the americans practising Yoga and tasting our curries.
: in the unabashed display of wealth n what not

we're poised to become an economic superpower within the next 15-20 years. but is that possible, n even, enough??
more than 200 million of our population doesnt even get a one-meal a day. and we want our food cooked just the rigth way, or we wont have it.

there's no electricity in half the country, and we want three ACs in our homes.

here, ppl walk 20 km for a day's water needs. n we wont mind washing our cars with open flowing hosepipes

here, people save up to send a telegram, in sm untimed emergency.. n we nag about the pathetic cellular network when all we want is to talk to a person 2 floors below us..

here, girls are married to take off loans, and we complain about y our parents wont listen to our suggestions..

here, villagers are duped by landlords of their life's savings.. and we fret about some bit of tax we pay...

here, people die in clashes.. n we're buys speculating wat ash will wear on her wedding.. where n how the baraat will go

here, where we had JLN, now we have narendra modi...

the govt. will go to any length for its vote-bank... i question.. what authority does it have to reserve , even JOBS, for SC/STs... wasnty reserving seats and funds for their education well enough..????? let the qualified and well-read ones come up on their own now??

WHO, the bloody hell in this world has any right to question the existence of genuinity of a religion?? let everyone worship their own GOD. the babri sjid tragedy, the gujarat riots, the punjab riots, they're all sad and terribly depressing. WHAT authority does karunanidhi has , to call RAM a drunkard?? n WHAT authority does that hindu sadhu has .. t declare a bounty for karunanidhi's head?? talk of a secular, soverign INDIA!!!


we're a buncha blindfolded people who're driven by media and media alone. it therefore dawns upon them to act responsibly. but here too, camps and lines are clearly drawn. most of the channels are puppets of some party or the other.. n still, who'd want to hear about "bhootiya chappal" or "pyaaz maangti chudail" anyway?? depressing shit.. all of it.

we're all ga-ga about the nuclear deal. i might be snubbed , not to stick my nose in things i understand not, but the leftists arent so agaianst FDI in their own states. are they? arent they, then being hypocrites, putting off a deal which gives india some energy stabality...

what do I suggest?? like most ppl :
1) come down a little on the euphoria surrouding every tiny shred of good news we have.. rather, focus on more graver n serious matters.. pat your backs, n gear up for further struggle.

2) a public-grievance cell.. headed by a prominent public personality.. not a politiciaN.. n enroll the youth. it'll be for the people, by the people, n of the people... in its true sense.

3) get down working on Education and the PDS. food and education earn you everything else.

4) Free the judiciary of Government control. n edit the constitution.. they're governing laws, n not a holy book, which cant be edited. make laws more tight, loophole free, n time-relevant.

5)last but not the least, promote sting operations (alas!! not fake) and get down cracking on these bloody corrupt losers.. itna paisa upar leke jayenge??